


breaking bones

by noxeir



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25894180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxeir/pseuds/noxeir
Summary: what do you do when you lose your life?what do you do when you fall so hard into depression your jaw breaks?what do you do when the world keeps spinning, moving on, when the days get longer and longer without you?you die, dan thinks in may.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Cornelia Dahlgren, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	breaking bones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [joshdunsdyke](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=joshdunsdyke).



> hello! before we begin: dan repeatedly calls himself selfish, but those are his own self-deprecating thoughts. you are never selfish for being suicidal.
> 
> based on a song prompt with the songs "holding onto you" and "friend, please" by twenty one pilots given by joshdunsdyke on twit

what do you do when you lose your life?

what do you do when you fall so hard into depression your jaw breaks?

what do you do when the world keeps spinning, moving on, when the days get longer and longer without you?

you die, dan thinks in may.

***

it’s june, summer solstice has arrived. the days are long and warm. light and life is blossoming. dan’s mind is not. his body feels cold and empty, and his sorrow has grown into a myriad of thorns and nothingness and love. it’s slowly choking him, burning, burning, burning. he’s constantly bleeding through the hole in his chest.

for the first couple of weeks he barely left his bed. there was no energy left, no anything left, only nothing. the big hole in his chest swallowed his lungs.

it’s a little better now. he goes to the store sometimes and he’s had cornelia over a couple of times. she checks in on him, makes sure he takes his meds, reminds him to eat, to breathe, to live. it’s hard, but he appreciates her.

dan appreciates her so much, and he feels so bad for not being able to properly reciprocate her efforts. he knows it’s not expected of him, but he still feels so incredibly selfish. it’s hard though, it’s hard when you have a hole in your chest.

a lot of things have been hard lately. he almost feels like he’s sixteen again. he almost feels like there’s nothing, nothing, nothing left for him. only a burning hole and thorns, so many thorns. almost nothing.

***

july passes in a blur of nightmares and sleepless nights. he’s being sucked into the hole in his chest, wrung inside out. on display for everyone to see, everyone to see how faulty he is. he either doesn’t sleep or he’s having nightmares. nightmares of summer dates and holding hands. nightmares that leave his chest aching, empty. it’s as if life just wants to rub in how much he’s lost.

he’ll wake up, ready to turn around and tell phil of his dream, of anything, but it’s just cold. it’s so cold. he’ll wake up, slinging his arms around to hold phil but it’s only thin air. his bed is smaller now. he’ll wake up, but the bed is cold.

dan knows how much he’s lost. or he doesn’t, not really. he keeps discovering new holes in his chest, some pinpricks, other big enough to put his fist through. they all bleed anyways and he’s feeling lightheaded. he tries to bandage himself, but his hands are slippery and his grip is losing.

cornelia’s hands are solid and skilled. they know what they’re doing, patching him up. or at least they know more than dan does. dan’s hands are shaking and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. sure, he’s dealt with loss before, but not. not. not death. not his own death, his own death. he is dead. phil is dead.

and dan is so fucking angry. he hates whatever higher power there is for giving him a fucking soulmate and then taking them away. just letting him wring himself inside out at night, his brain spilling out through his eyes.

***

august arrives with late summer nights and walking. walking, walking, walking. walking until his legs are sore, until he’s so tired he falls asleep at the tube, surrounded by strangers. strangers looking at a young man, exhausted, grey, and impossibly sad. an old lady asks him if he’s okay. he doesn’t know anymore. she gives him a cookie before she leaves at the next stop. dan thinks of her sometimes. 

every time he walks over a bridge he stops, feels the pull of the hole in his chest, of the water. it’s deep and alluring, but dan doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t think about it. he walks past the bridge. he walks past the cafe they used to sit on, he walks past the bookstore phil used to love, he walks past their old apartment. he walks past memories of warm hands and summer kisses, sharing umbrellas and bumping shoulders. he walks past it and tries to forget.

he’s better now. but it still feels like he has a hole in his chest, a never-ending, expanding black hole. it aches. he aches. he aches for phil. he aches for hands in his hair, his laugh with the stupid tongue thing, he aches for someone to hold him when his mind tries to destroy itself, he aches for late-night conversations and rolling his eyes because “really phil?”, he aches for phil and it’s eating him alive.

cornelia is still checking up on him though. she’s still there, despite her and dan not being that close, she’s still there for him. she’s there and it helps and dan loves her so much.

***

it’s a sad, rainy september day when molly arrives. she’s a small, three-legged, welsh corgi and she immediately licks dan’s hands and then his face and ears when he topples over. dan holds her, her head and paws resting on his shoulder, pretending that he isn’t on the verge of crying already because fuck phil would’ve loved her. she snores, he notes some time later, when she falls asleep on him.

molly was cornelia’s idea. she meant it would do dan good to have a dog, have something that loves him unconditionally, that’ll cheer him up. something to care for. dan suspected she wanted to say it was something he could live for.

if dan is somewhere, molly is probably there too. she’s constantly by his side, running between his legs and tripping over, smushed between his legs and the sofa, curled into his side, splayed over his stomach or just tripping over herself anywhere within a ten meter radius of dan.

his mind and body is still filled with bloody ivy, the hole in his chest is still there, but molly gives him another reason to continue breathing despite being choked every night. every night. the nights are hard. they’re colder, emptier than ever. and it’s when the doubt is at its worst. it’s when he doubts if there’s even any point in anything.

it’s also when he wonders. i’ts when he wonders why the world is so unfair. why did he have to lose him? what was the point of depriving him of the love of his fucking life? of his companion, of his soulmate? of his best friend, of his everything?

he got ten years and it wasn’t fucking enough. he wanted to grow old with phil, wanted to adopt puppies and maybe even kids. wanted to go to pride with phil, wanted to enjoy his life fully, and he didn’t even get a year of it. he wanted to continue his career alongside phil and eventually finish it when the time came. he wanted to go on a hundred more dates, he wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to love him forever. but he didn’t get to, and that’s not fair.

or maybe it is. maybe he deserves this, dan thinks. molly is curled up beside him, snoring, while dan comes to his conclusion.

***

october hurts so bad, it sends dan hurling backwards.

he’s constantly reminded, more than usual at what he’s lost.

cafés he passes with molly keep reminding him of timid smiles and warm coffee, stupid filters and insta stories. he vividly remembers the october day he met phil and they stopped at the coffee shop at the corner. the slightly awkward but no less genuine smiles, the excitement of actually seeing each other in person. the way phil’s eyes were so so clear and blue, a stark contrast to the grainy image eighteen year old dan was used to.

eighteen year old dan was used to days in a palette of gray and black, patches of blue and green. he was used to feeling so, so alone. and then phil came along and he wasn’t alone anymore. he wasn’t so alone and the world felt just a tiny bit better and it just improved as the years went by. a whole decade and dan was finally living his truth before the ground broke under him. everything he had built crumbled around him, life punched him in the gut and broke his jaw. it still aches so much.

it hurts so bad he finds himself by a bridge. he’s not really thinking. he’s not really thinking about how he left his phone at home, about how the water is so deep, about how he’d probably die before he hit the surface. he’s definitely not thiking about phil, and how they watched the river together, holding hands in the cold winter.

dan feels cold, despite the warm summer air. he feels like he’s radiating cold from the inside. he’s so cold and he just wants it to stop. he wants it all to fucking stop. he needs it to stop. needs existence to stop for a second, just let him breathe or maybe pass out. just drown for a second, just float.

he’s considering it. it would be so easy, just let him self finally hit the ground. while he stands there contemplating he’s hit with a wave of feelings and memories and fear and they all spill over and he’s crying alone at a bridge at 2 am. he’s crying because fuck he’s so selfish. he’s so fucking selfish.

the hole in his chest is expanding, tearing him up, and he breaks down and sinks to the ground. he doesn’t know how long he’s sat there before he hears cornelia shouting his name.

“dan, fuck, please, are you okay?”

cornelia is running towards him, cardigan flowing behind her.

selfish.

“no you’re not. oh god you’re freezing, dan, fuck, take my cardigan”, she’s crouching directly in front of him and something soft and warm is placed around his shoulders, a paw on his knees. it’s molly, pawing at him. the cardigan is soft and a little itchy.

so selfish.

molly lays her head on his lap and dan absentmindedly pats her head, trying to make sense of the knot of feelings in his head. he’s so far gone he doesn’t notice cornelia is trying to talk to him before her hands are suddenly on his cheeks, warm against his cold skin, shaking him. he wonders how she found him.

“are you okay?”

he’s so selfish.

“no. you’re not. what do you need?”

*

dan doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, and suddenly martyn is there, and they’re walking. everything is a little blurry for a while, but then he finds himself in a sofa with a cup of tea in hand. it’s. it’s not his flat at least. must be martyn and cornelia’s, then. molly is smushed into his side, she’s warm.

it’s nice and warm but cornelia is looking at him with a concerned expression and dan wonders why. and then it all hits him straight in the gut, ice cold. he’s so selfish.

“fuck i’m so sorry, i was so selfish, i don’t understand what came over me, i- you probably hate me now i’msosorry” he’s spewing words up before he knows ut, but cornelia interrupts him and pulls him into an upright hug. it’s a little awkward due to how tall dan is. it feels so good though, hugging a friend, and dan melts. he melts and everything pours out, seeps out through the cracks while cornelia just holds him.

“it’s going to be okay,” she says.

“it’s going to be okay.”

it’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this lowercaps angst fest! pls leave kudos and comments if u can, i rlly appreciate them !!
> 
> also come scream ab prompts and assorted bullshit with me on @peliksoot on twt if u feel like it hh


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